gratuitous half-naked runway models at the vivienne westwood fall 09 men's show

because,

really,

aren't you tired of hearing me talk about clothing?

look, i'll give you a little leg,

a nice back,

some knee-pads: 

some cheekiness: 

some frontiness:

i'll even bring flowers:

i know it SEEMS funny:

but some people get paid LOTS of money

to style these shows:

and some get paid to just hang out:

RUNWAY RUNDOWN : JOHN GALLIANO FALL 09

let's play a game.

i know how much you love them so.

this is called,

can you see past all the styling to the one good piece

a man might actually wear from the 

john galliano runway,

ok,

go.

(remember.  one piece from each look.)

very good.  shearling coat.

we're starting off easy here.

for those of you who picked "satyr horns",

go back to burning man,

you left your bong on.

ok, next:

yes.  graphic tee.

that's about all to realistically salvage here.

i also would have taken "votive lined walkway".

next:

leather pants?

really?

i guess that's safest.

i would have sworn you were going for "brown jacket thing yawn . . ."

but, ok,

leather pants it is.

next:

now, see,

now you're just going for extra credit.

red man-whore stockings with garters AND sock garters

IS what we were looking for.

"black vest" was a trap.

next:

if you said "judge's wig" or "man-whore stockings, again",

then we're just going to have to disqualify you

and send you back to your camper.

ok, i give up.

you started out strong, then things just took a left turn up there.

this should have been a gimme.

the answer is "nothing.  well, cheekbones, i'd take his cheekbones.  does that count?"

galliano clearly knows what the modern male wants,

and i don't.

RUNWAY RUNDOWN : ALEXANDER MCQUEEN FALL 09

oh where to begin?

i love mcqueen.

he's an extremely talented tailor,

a visionary along the lines of galliano,

and not afraid to try new things

(UNLIKE galliano).

his runways are not runways, 

they are theatre.

witness fall 09:

why yes,

yes it IS very gangs of new york

meets sweeney todd

meets 300.

leather aprons, breastplates, codpieces and all.

so good for nipping out to the corner for a gallon of . . . blood.

angst.

daniel day lewis.

i'm glad i took the time to look further,

specifically backstage.

the runway did not do the clothing justice:

serious outerwear,

timeless tailoring,

some chunky knits you could sleep in,

and suiting to have sex in.

and yes please

to the sheared mink

and red bondage gloves:

never know when you're gonna get chilly

while tying up your victim . . .

RUNWAY RUNDOWN : BOTTEGA VENETA FALL 09

and today,

mes petites,

a palate cleanser.

some sorbet of sorts

after the flurry of pugh and owens i've been feeding (force?) vous.

forgive the advanced fashion,

and enjoy the sober, stunning beauty

of tomas meier's bottega collection.

the price, no object.

the lesson, no brainer.

beautiful quality and beautiful boys

make for beautiful moments:

look at the texture!

the briefcase you never knew you wanted.

the collection you knew you needed.

were money, 

and lifestyle,

no object.

RUNWAY RUNDOWN : GARETH PUGH FALL 09

interesting contrast.

rick from yesterday,

gareth today.

gareth just started doing menswear,

and before it was even released it was generating HUGE buzz.

i blame beyonce.

she wears one of his futuristic TRON meets galactica dresses

and suddenly he's IT.

i mean, he was big before, but only in the fashion world,

and only for creating the kind of clothing that club kids swoon over,

the japanese collect,

and the saudis can afford.

so . . . men's.

if i were twenty, i'd have to have it all.

for clubbing.

or provoking people on the local street corner.

now, 

it seems a brash version of what rick owens does,

everything pumped into the "statement" category.

it's good to have these designers,

they push everyone.

witness fur, armor, leggings, leather, body con,

gareth-style:

and,

addendum,

this collection has him as a front runner to replace the head designer

at dior homme,

floundering since the loss of the last boy wunderkind,

hedi slimane.

RUNWAY RUNDOWN : RICK OWENS FALL 09

dear mr. rick owens.

please send the following pieces from your fall show

to one landis smithers,

west hollywood, california,

stat.

while we understand that some may struggle with your

(incredible, fragile, tough, romantic, gothic, modern, tender)

vision,

we do not have such issues,

as we have tried the kool-aid

and found it much to our liking.

perhaps it is the ability to look past half-shaven pates

and runway styling

and focus on:

great quilted outerwear and a new standard in "military" boots.

beautiful leathers, with architectural (and armor-like) qualities

draped layering knits and almost classic tailored pieces.

primitive fur. perhaps the only way for a man to wear fur.

dramatic overcoats.

a crocodile (alligator) jacket

washed down to be as soft as lambskin.

and the exit that made me think

"no, i could never. yes, i must."

like the leather leggings of the givenchy spring show,

suddenly,

a gold leather miniskirt

seems almost achievable.

when people talk of timelessness in men's fashion,

THIS

is how i see it best expressed.

even if it doesn't fit the conservative mold,

there is not a piece here that ten years from now

will not look as fresh,

as comforting,

or as masculine.

thanks in advance, mr. owens.

i look forward to the arrival of my packages.